32 Week Rant

At 32 weeks, opinions seem to flow right to me. Strangers offer advice, friends offer horror stories, and even sales clerks seem to have an opinion as to my size. Amazingly enough, in one day I was given two extreme examples. While walking my dog, a woman asked if I were carrying twins. Now seriously, I've only gained 18 pounds so far! Only an hour later a stranger asked me how far along I was. After I replied, their eyes bugged out as they proclaimed, "My, you are really small!" Really small?? Then why can't I see my feet?!

So to those opinionated strangers, I say THANK YOU. Thank you for making me question the shape of my body. Thank you for making me neurotic about the growth of my unborn child. Thank you for sharing your unwarranted advice. Oh, and my husband certainly thanks you as well. For he really enjoys me when I'm nervous and stressed. And now I must ask you, why do you think we are not sharing the name we picked? When you meet someone for the first time, would you dare say, "Hello, it's nice to meet you but I don't like your name?" The same courtesy should be applied to babies as well, whether born yet or not.

Turkey's Roasted

There was a point in my life when I contemplated getting my belly button pierced. This week, as I watch it do a disappearing act I can honestly say I am extremely grateful of never having that pierced. I can only imagine what my stomach would look like with a bullring being pushed out for the world to see. It's bad enough that now when I am full, the belly button begins to pop outwards. I have actually become a turkey with a temperature gage that pops when complete(ly full). Or, maybe it's the baby screaming, "Uncle! Please no more food in this little 5'1'' frame!" When he's had enough, he gives a little kick, and out pops the button. 

A Mother's Day Poem

On Mother's Day, I feel it would only be appropriate to write a poem showing my appreciation for the wonders of pregnancy. 

I'm thankful for my belly that's now on the move,

as my little one dances and gets in a groove.

Also, I'm thankful for having a boy 

but either sex I would surely enjoy.

I'm thankful for my pregnancy being so easy,

although there were days that I was certainly queasy.

And I'm thankful for pants that stretch very wide,

especially as I continue to grow side to side. 

And of course I'm thankful for my husband's coddling.

And shouldn't I be thankful for my graceful waddling?

Let's not forget that I'm thankful for Tums,

and also the wipes that I use on my bum.

Pillows, oh pillows, as I tossed and I turned,

and also my breasts, which always I've yearned. 

So on this special day,

remember, Mothers, what was at bay. 

You groaned and pushed your way through

nine months of expanding you.

Now kiss your little one's toes 

and watch how quickly he grows. 

Say YES to Drugs

I've passed my thirty week threshold. This means I have less than ten weeks to go. This can be converted to two months, nine and a half weeks, single digit weeks, sixty-five days, or simply, closer to freak out time. I've been pregnant for over thirty weeks and have daydreamed my way through. I've fought the itchies, constipation and gas, food cravings and aversions, and getting rings off of swollen fingers. I've wrestled with pillows and hormonal outbursts. I've devoured sappy movies, boxes of cookies, and super-sized french fries. I've avoided raw fish and mirrors when naked. 

In all of these changes, I can say there is one thing that I have not done; faced reality. Somehow, as pregnant and swollen as my belly is, I forgot to face the fact that with pregnancy comes labor. In my bedside drawer I have seven different books all about pregnancy. Pulling them out one by one, I've noticed something in common with the bookmarks. Not one of them has made it passed the seven month mark. In my la-la-land, there is no pain, there is no labor, and there is no squeezing elephants out of my lemon! I will simply "have" a baby. And by "have" I mean it will magically appear in my arms. A stork will arrive. My head of lettuce will sprout a child's head. The nurse will place a baby in my arms and say, "Now wasn't that easy."  Is it really so wrong to daydream of a pain-free labor that does not stretch out and ruin my nether region? I'm only human after all. 

I believe that my pain threshold is relatively decent. However, I can only imagine that it is fairly natural to fear the unknown. Unknown as it is, I know there will be pain. I also know that sometimes, it is OK to say YES to drugs. 

NEWS FLASH - I WILL!

It was a beautiful sun-filled day and I was ready to take in the weather. Being that when indoors my wardrobe usually consists of sweatpants and my husband's oversized t-shirt, I felt that I should reward my neighborhood by actually getting dressed. I threw open my closet, grabbed a pair of maternity capri pants and stepped in with my first foot. As I switched feet, I lost balance and fell straight back onto my bed. Just another typical moment in Preggo Land. I stood back up, yanked up my pants past my knees, up my thighs, and BAM!! They got stuck around my hips. These spandex-like waist-banded-pants would not get over my hips, let alone my big butt! So I wiggled and I jiggled, but there was no give. I swear I just wore them last week! 

NEWS FLASH - Arrival of third trimester means new symptoms. Most noticeable includes expansion of ass and thighs. Now I can handle not fitting into those stylish pair of jeans, or even my dress pants. But how can I possibly not fit into maternity pants?! Is that even possible? So back to sweats I go.

Once I stepped outside with the dog we began our journey. To walk around my block, it's a simple ten minute stroll. Or so I thought...

On this particular sun-filled day my less then a mile walk around the block suddenly turned into an army training course. How have I never noticed this wild terrain? There are massive hills extending for miles. There is unsteady pavement. And the length seems to have quadrupled. At one point, I was actually begging my dog to drag me down the street. "Please, Puppy, just pull this big butt all the way home?!" 

Finally making it back from the training course, I walked inside completely winded. Pink cheeks, sweaty forehead, and short, quick breathes. I took a clue from my dog and went to the coolest spot in the house; the bathroom floor. There, we both sat, panted, sat, panted, sat, panted.  Right then and there I vowed that for any future pregnancy, I would be at the gym every day prior. I will be in shape. I will take control. I will climb a hill. I will fit into fat pants! I will! I will! I will!

But in the meantime, I just had to see if there was any ice cream left in the freezer. 

How am I, You Ask?

How am I, you ask?

I am wonderful. I am enjoying this little creature creeping and crawling inside my little belly. Truly, I am. However, for those of you tilting your head and saying with those oh-so-sympathetic eyes, "Really, Jess, now how are you?" I must give you the honest truth. 

FRIKKIN' HORMONES! I have more pimples than an adolescent girl before her period. My body chemistry has not just changed, but has walked away from me. It has resulted in my deodorant ceasing to acknowledge my body and simply walking away. Today, I used my husband's deodorant. Yes, full sport, sweaty man deodorant. And what's worse, it actually worked. The only problem was that my sensitive nose was constantly looking behind me thinking I was being followed by a pack of overly scented adolescent boys new to the deodorant band-wagon. 

Now, let us discuss this beautiful weather. I have always loved this warm weather beyond reason. But today, on my ten minute walk around the block with my dog, I came back not only exhausted, but dripping in sweat, and panting along with my dog. So quickly the heat has gone from something I covet to a near nightmare. I actually fought with my dog for a place on the cool bathroom floor. 

And all the while as the hormones build on to this sexy image that you now hold so dearly of me, remember this. Your mind plays tricks on you while you sleep. I wake up having dreamt about sex, only to realize that it's just too hot out, and I'm just too sweaty. 

So here I sit complaining as something else happens. My little guy kicks. He kicks again, only this time rolling some extremity right across the width of my stomach. Somehow, every complaint, every pimple, every drop of sweat just fades away to nothing and all I'm left with is a smile, and my hand lingering on my ever growing belly. 

Hello Third Trimester

Happy 28 weeks! Looking through various websites and pregnancy books, I've learned that by now, my little embryo is actually a baby. His senses are furnished, he wiggles his fingers, his testicles are intact, and he even plays with his toes. He is a full and complete baby, minus the whole being born thing. So as I enter my third trimester I can take pride in the fact that I actually made a human being. 

In the second trimester, it was easy to forget about my pregnancy. Of course I grabbed at my stomach and watched my body change as often as I could, but still, feeling terrific, an entire afternoon would flash by without a single ache or side effect. Now today, I scream, "HELLO THIRD TRIMESTER!" Within a two week period, my body has morphed into a pregnant lady's side-effected checklist. Lack of sleep? Check! Hips expanding at an unprecedented speed to the point of wobbly legs? Check! Frequent bathroom breaks? Check! Stating, "Oh shit!" when a full bladder hits a pothole while driving? Double check!! I knew it was coming, but am completely shocked at the rapid pace in which I have become a groaner when standing up and a moaner when sitting down.  Still, it seems that all mothers out there seem to have an excuse as to how each side effect helps to prepare your future of babydom. They are all listed in book after book. Amazing enough, as many times as you read them, it doesn't sink in until you actually go through the process. I believe this is why day after day, year after year, women continue to have children. We all have mental blocks. The beauty of life smacks out the aches and bodily leaks until we completely forget. 

And have I mentioned that they say that childbirth hurts? Funny, because I can't seem to get myself to read past the eight month chapter in any of my ten pregnancy books. I too am blocking out the inevitable in exchange for a future coo. 

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