It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

While discussing the upcoming birth with my friend, I began calculating the due date as well as the impending bris. How convenient that eight days after my due date, when a bris should take place, is my birthday. As a normal response, my friend mentioned how nice it would be to share that event with my son. But then it clicked. There I was ready to put all of myself aside in order to raise a child. But did I have to share my birthday as well? Just one day a year, I wanted to be the princess in the spotlight. Selfish, yes, but doesn't every person deserve their moment? Maybe so...but actually, maybe not.  So I began to panic. Was I really that selfish? Here I am about to alter my entire life in order to raise a child, and sharing a birthday was my big challenge?

Part of becoming a mother means letting go of your selfish ways and indulging in giving to others. There is no longer time for "me" and even "we" becomes less frequent as "she" or "he" begins to fill your sentences and everyday demands as you begin to care for a baby. I am ready with open arms to put aside my needs for this little being that is kicking me from the inside out. Still, I find myself selfishly daydreaming about my future desires of long showers, sleeping in, and finding time to put on make-up. I know I am ready. But at the same time, is anyone completely eager to put aside their entire identity and routine? 

As a way to subside my selfish ways, I have decided that the next three months should be spent pampering myself in the ways I desire. Last week, I indulged in a massage. An hour of relaxation with no one to think about but myself. An hour of pleasure and daydreams. As always, when trying to relax, I used my imagination and tried to send myself to my happy place. I've always traveled to sunshine and beaches so there I was floating in the sea, sun beaming on my face, as a masseuse began to bury away my physical stress. However, my happy place began to alter. There I was in isolation, floating away when I suddenly had company. I was not alone in my sea of comfort. There on my chest, holding tightly to my neck was a little boy accompanying his mother. I had no desire to readjust my daydream, but instead was surprised that I found comfort in the company and love that was being portrayed in my happy-place daydream. My selfishness seemed to have  melted away right there on the massage table. I was no longer thinking in "I" but rather in "We". 

So I had a moment of clarity, but does this really mean I am ready and willing to give up all of who I am? The answer, as any other pregnant woman would say, is "No". It is important to keep a part of oneself in order to pass on your beliefs and values. The challenge is in finding the balance. So although I may have to share my birthday, please be sure to remember that it is my day too, for I will be the one birthing the beautiful little baby boy.